I woke full of lack, of the tangible feeling of missing everything and everyone familiar to me. A continent and an ocean sometimes seem impenetrable. And there is silence.

But moments of beauty too. Seeing the seagulls fly in lazy circles above me as I walk out in the cold to the glorious sound of Gregorian chants filling my ears through my headphones. The warmth of friendship and good conversations in multiple languages.

Everything is mixed, and I can’t sort out my feelings. I want to be better adjusted here, and I want to be with the people I miss. There is an intense longing for “home” that has left me uncertain, since I don’t know if home is what I am trying to create here or what I left behind.


2 thoughts on “Home?

  1. The longings for home are a reality to all who choose to live abroad. After 9 years in Canada, I experience moments of intense longing for France, and then it goes away. It is more intense with time, for me at least. I think it is only natural, despite all the efforts to integrate and learn a new culture, you need things that remind you of your home. I have never felt more French than when I live abroad. And back in France, I miss the adventure of living in another country. This is the thing that no one tells you before you move to another country: that no matter where you are, from now on, you will alway miss something from another place. Don’t figth it, it is part of the gifts of your new life. Sadness and nostalgia are powerful emotions, and help you develop into a more complex human being.

    • I am going to file this in my folder of “Best Advice I’ve Been Given.” You’ve really hit the nail on the head when you said that we’ll always be missing something. I love California and the longing for “home” is so much stronger when I’m abroad. Yet when I’m back, I miss the challenge of living in another country and speaking another language. How is it that this incompleteness makes us whole? My gut reaction is to fight it; I don’t like the feeling. But I think you are right. These may be emotions we need to sit with, to accept. But it’s not easy…

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